Translated by Novice Translations
Proofread by Yserieh
“No, it’s just a little itchy.” Mu Xiaoya didn’t dare turn around. At this moment, from head to toe, she felt strange.
She really lost herself. How could she be like this? Mu Xiaoya bit the pillow. She looked ugly and complained.
When Bai Chuan heard that Mu Xiaoya was okay, he couldn’t help but touched her with his hand again.
Mu Xiaoya suddenly jumped up and yelled back behind her: “Don’t touch it.”
“…” Bai Chuan had already withdrawn his hand. At this time, he stared blankly at Mu Xiaoya.
Mu Xiaoya blushed. She knew her reaction was a little big, but she didn’t know what was wrong with her. As soon as Bai Chuan’s fingers touched her waist, she couldn’t bear it. No, it can’t be said it felt uncomfortable, that is, the body had the uncontrollable feeling of XXX, which made her feel a little uncomfortable and shameful.
It’s strange. Why didn’t I know my waist was so sensitive before ah.
“I’m … sorry.” Bai Chuan has never seen a fierce and loud Mu Xiaoya. After a long time of being dazed, he remembered to apologize.
“No, it’s not you, it’s … it’s so itchy. I couldn’t help it at that moment.” Mu Xiaoya hurriedly explained.
“I’m sorry.” Bai Chuan still apologized.
“I said it, it has nothing to do with you. You didn’t hurt me just now.”
“What?” Mu Xiaoya hesitated for a while before reacting. Bai Chuan was talking about her waist, “It’s all right, it doesn’t hurt, my skin is already white. It’s easy for it to turn blue. It will be fine in two days. ”
Bai Chuan nodded, but he couldn’t get rid of the slightly blued skin in his mind. The blue color was so dazzling on Mu Xiaoya’s white back.
“I’ll … I’ll…” Bai Chuan wanted to say that he will never get an episode again, but he was very clear in his mind that this matter was beyond his control. “When my condition happens in the future. Don’t worry about me.”
As long as Mu Xiaoya wasn’t near him during his onset, he won’t hurt her.
“No.” Mu Xiaoya refused to think about it and wanted to say something when she was in the hospital.
Bai Chuan was stunned and raised his head incomprehensibly. He didn’t understand why Mu Xiaoya refused his request. When he had an onset, he couldn’t control his emotions and movements. He didn’t want to hurt Mu Xiaoya. He didn’t want Mu Xiaoya to hate him. He was afraid that Mu Xiaoya couldn’t stand his condition and would leave him.
“Xiao Chuan, why did you propose to me?” Mu Xiaoya knew that Bai Chuan didn’t understand, so she guided him patiently.
“Because, I want you to be my partner.” Bai Chuan once answered this question to Mu Xiaoya.
“Yes, everyone needs a partner, because partners can accompany each other and take care of each other.” Mu Xiaoya said, “Do you know what each other means? It means that when one side is in trouble, the other side will show up to help them. I’m your partner. If I don’t care about you when you’re having an episode, I’m not qualified to be your partner. An unqualified partner is not needed. Finally, they will divorce their other half. Do you want to divorce me?”
Bai Chuan shook his head in horror. He didn’t, he didn’t want to divorce Mu Xiaoya.
“Since you don’t want to, you won’t be able to say that again.” Mu Xiaoya demanded.
“But … When I had an episode, I couldn’t control myself. I don’t want to hurt you.” Bai Chuan didn’t want Mu Xiaoya to divorce him, and he didn’t want to hurt Mu Xiaoya. He didn’t want to choose either option. He was a little upset and didn’t know what to do.
From Bai Chuan’s simple thought process, he has never been so entangled, like a small animal trapped at a crossroad looking around blankly, not knowing which direction to go, in order to avoid the cars.
“Take a deep breath, take a deep breath, Xiao Chuan, calm down.” Mu Xiaoya realized that Bai Chuan’s mood was suddenly wrong again and was shocked. She never thought her words would cause Bai Chuan’s mood to fluctuate so much. She cried out Bai Chuan’s name, trying to call him back from his mind, but Bai Chuan was trapped in his own conscience. Mu Xiaoya had no choice but to mimic Grandma Bai’s appearance from the past, she forcibly held Bai Chuan’s head, so their foreheads touched and forced his eyes to look at her own.
“Xiao Chuan, it’s Xiaoya. Look at me, look at me.” Mu Xiaoya shouted again and again, finally, Bai Chuan seemed to recognize the girl in front of him, his breathing gradually calmed down, then his empty and anxious eyes regained its focus.
“Xiaoya ~~” Bai Chuan called Mu Xiaoya’s name. Sweat dripped down from his cheek and his face was full of fatigue.
“Close your eyes and calm down.”
Bai Chuan closed his eyes obediently and let his weight rest on Mu Xiaoya’s forehead. He liked the touch and the distance between them at this time, as if every breath he took was the smell of Mu Xiaoya. This let him feel at ease and he no longer felt tired.
“I … did you almost get lost again?”
After a long time, when Mu Xiaoya thought Bai Chuan fell asleep, Bai Chuan suddenly made a sound. His voice was light and slow, obviously has broken away from the anxiety he revealed just now, but his mood wasn’t very good, and he looked a little depressed.
Mu Xiaoya took a deep breath, released her hand and let Bai Chuan look at her directly, then showed a big smile.
“Look, you didn’t hurt me just now.” Mu Xiaoya said in surprise.
“…” Bai Chuan stared blankly at Mu Xiaoya.
“You see, although you almost had an episode just now, you didn’t hurt me. You controlled it.” Mu Xiaoya continued, “This means that you’re not out of control every time you have an onset. You can control it by yourself, right?”
Bai Chuan listened blankly. He had a good memory since he was a child. He almost never forgets things, but every time he had an onset, his memory would become very fuzzy. He couldn’t remember whether he had taken the initiative to control his emotions before, but even if he had, it must have been only a few times, otherwise grandma wouldn’t have been so worried.
“Before in the hospital, you told me that you acted that way because of the strange noise from that lamp. Did you head hurt because of that noise?” Mu Xiaoya saw Bai Chuan was silent, and continued to guide him patiently.
Bai Chuan nodded.
“Then, did it trigger you as soon as you heard it, or did you get upset after hearing it for a while?”
“Listened for a while.” Bai Chuan lost his way, but he always worked hard to endure, but no matter how long he endured, he eventually lost his mind.
“Then if we had turned off the lights when we first heard the sound, would you still have gotten upset?” Mu Xiaoya asked.
Bai Chuan shook his head.
“This is the solution. I will turn off the lights for you in the future.” Mu Xiaoya said.
Bai Chuan looked at Mu Xiaoya quietly.
“Xiao Chuan, let’s make a promise.” Mu Xiaoya said, “I don’t want to divorce you, and you don’t want to hurt me, right?”
“En.” Bai Chuan nodded heavily.
“Then we will make a promise. If you feel uncomfortable in the future, you should tell me right away. If another lamp makes a strange sound, I’ll turn it off for you. If there’s something else I can’t fix, I’ll hold you like I did just now, so you won’t get upset.” Mu Xiaoya asked expectantly, “Ok?”
“I don’t want you to hate me.” Bai Chuan said with difficulty.
“Why do you think I’ll hate you?” Mu Xiaoya didn’t understand. Why did Bai Chuan think that she would hate him? This wasn’t the first time he told her that she would hate him.
“Grandma said …” Bai Chuan said, “Not everyone can tolerate my condition indefinitely, so I have to work hard to control my emotions and try to minimize the incidence so that others won’t hate me. In this way, I can live by myself after she leaves. In this way, after I have a partner, my partner won’t hate me.”
Compared to the moment when he proposed, Bai Chuan has spoken eloquently, but he spoke in such an articulate manner that it caused Mu Xiaoya to be extremely uncomfortable.
“I don’t want you to hate me. I’m afraid you will ignore me for a long time, just like before.”
Mu Xiaoya held back her sour nose and asked, “When did I ignore you for a long time?”
“When I graduated from high school.” Bai Chuan said, “That day you came to my house and I was sick, and grandma asked you to go, then you didn’t show up all summer. Later, when you went to college, you visited less often.”
Mu Xiaoya remembered that day was the day when the college entrance examination scores came out. She studied exceptionally hard and got a very good score. Her parents were very happy and gave her a sum of money to travel with her classmates. That day, she ran to tell Bai Chuan the good news. Half the reason why she performed well at the exam was because Bai Chuan helped her summarize the key points.
But that day, when she arrived at the door, she heard a strange noise inside. Then Grandma Bai came out and asked her to go back. She didn’t think much about it and left. After that, she was busy with volunteer work, traveling, visiting relatives and preparing for school. She had a very busy summer vacation.
When she got to college, she started to live on campus. With a larger circle and more things she wanted to learn, she would have less time to go back. ‘Occasionally when I go back on the weekends, I also hurriedly walked away, and never ran to the white grandma’s house as soon as I had time.’
“I’m sorry.” Mu Xiaoya suddenly remembered Grandma Bai’s words that were said to her when she was dying.
“Xiaoya, Xiao Chuan’s world is small, and he can only hold himself. But when he opens his heart up to someone, that person will be his whole world.”
Therefore, when she filled his heart with happiness and was welcomed into his world, she also left Bai Chuan’s world and left him alone there.
Mu Xiaoya knew it wasn’t her fault. No one should be the world of another person and no one should be born attached to another person. But as long as she thought of Bai Chuan sitting alone in his world, waiting for her to return, she felt sad and wanted to cry uncomfortably.
In this lifetime, she made Bai Chuan wait for four years, then she returned. But in her last life, she made Bai Chuan wait for eight years and ultimately couldn’t return to his world.
“Don’t cry.” Bai Chuan clumsily wiped Mu Xiaoya’s tears from her face.
“Xiao Chuan, I won’t.” Mu Xiaoya held Bai Chuan’s hand and assured him earnestly, “I promise you, I won’t hate you because of your condition and I won’t leave you because of it.”
“En.” Bai Chuan nodded his head heavily, feeling happy. He believed what Mu Xiaoya said. As long as she said it, he was willing to believe it.
“Then you also promise me that you’ll tell me whenever you feel uncomfortable so I can help you.”
“En.” Bai Chuan nodded, Xiaoya won’t hate him because of his condition, so he’ll work hard to prevent it.
“All right, pull the hook.” Mu Xiaoya held out her little finger.
Looking at Mu Xiaoya’s little finger, Bai Chuan’s smile gradually widened. He remembered when they first met, Mu Xiaoya accidentally stepped on a flower in grandma’s yard. She forced him to do a pinky promise so he wouldn’t tell grandma and for him to not move. Mu Xiaoya forcibly picked up his finger.
“You can’t tell if you pulled the hook.”
He didn’t tell, because the flower grew well again after two days and grandma didn’t notice.
“You kept your word. Let’s be friends in the future.” Then Mu Xiaoya unilaterally became friends with him.
“Hook.” This time, Bai Chuan took the initiative to hook Mu Xiaoya’s finger.
This time, Mu Xiaoya no longer had an unilateral commitment.
TL Note: So…not sure if its just the Chinese in general, but they treat autism throwing fits like they are sick and ill….like they keep using the words sick and ill… Technically, they aren’t sick, they process things differently and they get either triggered from that breaking point or throw a fit. Usually a break-down, the words the author uses for people with Autism who has a breakdown doesn’t sit well with me. Just a rant.